Over It And On With It

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CC: Reair EP: 118 Navigating the Mother-Daughter Relationship with Kristin 0

Mar 26, 2022

This episode is about self-honoring choices, ultimatums, and jealousy in mother-daughter relationships. Today’s caller, Kristin, is looking for guidance in how to proceed after her mother gave her an ultimatum. We also look at the compensatory strategies Kristin has adopted in an effort to deal with things from her childhood.

[For show notes go here: Christinehassler.com/episode118]

What is a self-honoring choice? A self-honoring choice is an honest choice rooted in truth that comes from love. Kristin felt she was always in competition with her mother. She became a perfectionist as a compensatory strategy because she felt that she could only receive love if she was perfect. Through her growth work, she is starting to make self-honoring choices for herself.

What are you passionate about? What you are passionate about is often a tie into our spiritual curriculum and our parents are part of that curriculum. Remember, we choose our parents as our teachers. When our parents don’t see us for who we truly are, it can seem cruel. But, part of our soul journey is to heal from past cruelty.

What do you long for from your parents?

Be sure to check out Coaches Corner. Last week I talked about ghosting and flaky behavior, the week before I interviewed Jill about selling skills and I even answer questions. So, if you have a question for me, email assist@ChristineHassler.com.

Consider/Ask Yourself:

Is there someone in your life you are not speaking to or have a strained relationship with?
If you grew up with two parents, was one more challenging for you to get along with or close to?
Do you tend to be attracted, date or marry people you feel you must earn their love?
Do you know what self-honoring choices are? If so, do you make them regularly?

Kristin’s Question:

Kristin would like to know how to approach her mother about a recent ultimatum.

Kristin’s Key Insights and Ahas:

She was in an abusive relationship.
She made a self-honoring choice.
She was always in competition with her mother.
Her mother was passive aggressive.
She yearned for attention from her mother.
Her parents had a horrible relationship.
Her existence triggers her mother.
She chose her mother.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

She should keep working on herself and stay strong to break the pattern of contorting herself to make her mother feel better.

She should realize her mom may not be able to face her issues.

She should continue making self-honoring choices.

Takeaways:

Where are you not making self-honoring choices because you are trying too much to please people?
And, where are you not making self-honoring choices because you are trying to be the bigger person vs. speaking your truth?
Why did you pick your parents and what are they here to teach you?
Let go of who you want your parents to be. Accept the fact that if your mother or father truly saw what they needed to see about themselves in order to give you the apology you crave, it might break them.

Resources:

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler Podcasts

EP 341: How to Communicate When You Feel Scared with Amanda 0

Assist@ChristineHassler.com

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Mar 23, 2022

This episode is about reducing a trauma response when communicating with people who matter to us. Today’s caller, Amanda, feels scared and goes into a trauma response when communicating with her partner. In her past, she felt disempowered in other relationships. She would like guidance on how to feel less afraid when communicating her needs.

[For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode341]

When we have been through a challenging situation or trauma that goes deep into our subconscious mind, body, and nervous system, we feel we have no power or control. That is why it is so traumatic. The more we empower ourselves to have control, speak our needs, and make a request the more we tell our body and nervous system that we are safe.

Anytime we are in a trauma response we are time-traveling. Our physical body is in the present moment but our nervous system is in the past. Our brain has a hard time distinguishing whether we are in a safe place or are we in trauma. Maybe we had no voice, no power, and no dominion over our experience when the trauma occurred. But, the more we can set ourselves up at the beginning, the less likely we are to time-travel into the trauma response.

In a relationship, as much as we are sovereign beings and know that no one can heal us, it is also reasonable and healing in a relationship to know each other's wounds. We can be sensitive to other people’s wounds and do our part to help the other person grow. We are entitled to make requests when we are taking responsibility. We cannot ask someone else to change until we own our end and are doing the work. Only then can we make a request of someone else.

My Personal Mastery course takes you through how to transform and heal on an emotional, mental, behavioral, and spiritual level. It is also a community with monthly group coaching calls and an interactive Facebook page. ChristineHassler.com/mastery. Get $100 off the course with the promo code OVERIT.

Consider/Ask Yourself:

Do you have trouble speaking up for yourself or communicating your needs?
Do you often get angry and lash out because your needs aren’t being met and you are not communicating?
Do you have difficulty calming yourself down when you are in a trauma response?
Do you know what it means to regulate your nervous system when you are in a trauma response?

Amanda’s Question:

Amanda would like guidance on how to feel less afraid when it comes to communicating her needs to her partner.

Amanda’s Key Insights and Ahas:

She gets triggered when communicating with her partner.
She sometimes abruptly leaves confrontation.
When standing her ground, she can feel angry.
She has done EMDR with her therapist.
Her partner has big energy.
She fears communicating her needs.
She felt powerless when her dad remarried.
She wants someone to stand up for her.
She has been in an abusive relationship.
She is committed to being vulnerable.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

Move her energy by regulating her nervous system and getting herself into the present moment.
Name her feelings when she wants to communicate.
Remind herself she is a grown woman and her partner is not her stepmother.
Have a conversation with her partner about a flinch response.
Release the rage she feels toward her stepmother and ex through release writing and the temper tantrum technique.

Resources:

Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community

Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner

Assist@ChristineHassler.com — Males who want to be on the show

Jill@ChristineHassler.com — For information on any of my services

Get on the list to be notified about the upcoming certification program for coaches.

Download this Episode

CC: Reair EP 33: The Pitfalls of People Pleasing 0

Mar 19, 2022

People pleasing will not get you the kind of love you long for. Why? Well, when you are putting other people’s needs before your own, you are not being honest. You are not showing up authentically. People pleasing can range in severity from caring about what people think to being a doormat. In my view, no degree of people pleasing is a good thing and being a complete doormat is dangerous. Think of a doormat after being used over and over. This is what happens to your spirit and your spark if you allow people to walk all over you. Your light starts to dim. You start to fade and you start to wear down.

The Importance of Connection When Going Through a Loss

We are not meant to grieve alone. One of the most healthy aspects of grieving is having support. You may find it hard to ask for help but you are giving another person a gift when you are vulnerable with them. Do not suffer in silence and solitude. The things that help the most are often the hardest to do. During difficult times, we need to do the hard things to get to the healing place we long for. Today’s caller Shaun called in for some guidance while going through his divorce. He may be putting himself last and has a habit of people pleasing which is making his divorce harder. Don’t lose sight of yourself during a loss. I encourage you to be honest with yourself about your people pleasing patterns. Coaches take note - I try to stay as clear and neutral as I possibly can, but during some calls, like this one, I slip from empathy to sympathy. I found myself being protective of Shaun and judgmental of the situation. I then moved back to neutrality which allowed me to guide Shaun appropriately.

Consider/Ask Yourself:

● Are you going through a loss right now and feel disconnected?

● Do you relate to being a people pleaser or a doormat?

● Are you concerned about what people think of you and often put others’ needs and opinions in front of your own?

● Is there someone in your life you need to draw some boundaries with?

● Do you have a solid support system of people or just one person you can turn to who will listen when you are going through something challenging?

Shaun’s Question: Shaun would like to know how to get un-stuck after being blindsided by a breakup from a 15-year marriage. He wants advice on how to move past the situation.

Shaun’s Key Insights and Aha’s:

● He has a pattern of taking care of others at his own expense.

● He may be losing his identity.

● He doesn’t have a social circle for support.

● He should reach out to new people and ask for help.

How to get over it and on with it:

● He should step into his power and his strength and put himself first.

● He should meet new people and join new groups.

● He has the opportunity to gain healthy friendships.

Tools and Takeaways:

● Be honest and look at the ways your people pleasing could be depleting you, blocking intimacy and potentially building resentment.

● Listen to this week’s Coaches Corner for additional tips.

● Reach out to people, ask for support or just ask them to listen.

● Write down one thing which will help you the most but may be hard for you to do.

Resources: Christine Hassler Expectation Hangover @christinhassler on Twitter @christinehassler on Instagram Christine@christinehassler.com Jill@christinehassler.com

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EP 340: Addressing Relationship Anxiety with Gabby 0

Mar 16, 2022

This episode is about having anxiety about relationships. Today’s caller, Gabby, has a pattern of getting into relationships, but something always happens and they don’t work out. She would like guidance about how to reduce the amount of anxiety she feels about relationships. We work through her childhood wounding and discuss ways for her to meet her own needs and heal her inner child.

[For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode340]

Oftentimes, the relationships we draw in reflect our primary wounding from our primary caregivers and our relationship with ourselves. When the people who are our everything can’t be everything to us in the ways we need it is devastating. It becomes an open wound that we carry around and identify in others. That is why it is so important to do family of origin healing and grieve our parents. It helps to bring our little one into the present day. It helps us to stop picking people who are like them.

We have relationships that trigger our childhood, but they are relationships for healing. They are not the relationships that go the distance. If they do last a long-time, they can be difficult because our wounds are constantly coming up. And, unless you and a partner are willing to work through those together the relationship will be frustrating.

When we heal our childhood wounds we can pick from our present-day self, our adult self, and we can choose someone who is more in alignment with where we want to go.

Know that every relationship challenge moves us closer to a healthy relationship.

Want to learn more about attachment styles? For just $20 you can hear a previous group call where I provide answers to questions at Group Coaching Replays.

Consider/Ask Yourself:

Do you have an avoidant attachment style?
Do you have anxiety when it comes to being in a relationship? Is there a part of you who thinks you are too broken or don’t know how to be in a relationship?
Do you have unrealistic expectations of what you think a relationship should or could be?
Do you feel you have done enough inner work to attract a healthy relationship based on your vision or values versus your past wounds?

Gabby’s Question:

Gabby has been going through long-term relationship anxiety and would like guidance on how to reduce it.

Gabby’s Key Insights and Ahas:

She cycles through romantic relationships.
She believes issues in her family are still at play in her relationships.
She feels she is going backward in this area of her life.
She is proud of her independence and her accomplishments.
She values love, family, and kindness.
She has a lot to give and deserves a lot.
She has done personal development work and therapy.
Her relationships have been growth opportunities.
Physical touch and words of affirmation are important to her.
Her father was very loving but also very closed off.
She worries about making the wrong decisions in relationships.
She is exhausted.
Her childhood was filled with confusion.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

Have compassion for herself as she moves through this.
Consider how she can meet her own needs.
Hold off on dating until she grieves and heals her father-wound.
Check-in with herself daily with her hand on her heart and belly to see what she needs.
Remember she is not broken.

Takeaways:

Have massive compassion for yourself, your process, and your growth.
Look at where you are still hanging on to something from your past that makes you draw in people or experiences that are similar.

Resources:

Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community

Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner

Assist@ChristineHassler.com — Males who want to be on the show

Jill@ChristineHassler.com — For information on any of my services

Get on the list to be notified about the upcoming certification program for coaches.

Download this Episode

CC: Blast from the Past - My Very First Episode 0

Mar 12, 2022

I thought it would be fun to re-air the VERY first episode I recorded in October of 2022. We have ALL come so far since then. Thank you for being part of this community as we learn and grow together.

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EP 339: Scared to Jump Back Into the Dating Scene with Christine 0

Mar 9, 2022

This episode is about shifting our protective patterns and taking risks. Today’s caller, Christine, lost her husband five years into their marriage. She wants to date again but is blocked by the fear of losing love again. We take a deep dive into the foundation of her fear and how she can choose to love again.

[For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode339]

Love is risky. Loving is easily the riskiest thing we do, whether it is loving our partners, animals, friends, or children. Love is risky because if we lose it is devastating. Our hearts want to close because the risk is difficult but when we close our hearts we miss out on the opportunity to love more. There is no quota on how much we can love in our lifetime. Or, how many loves we can have. Love is infinite. To deprive ourselves of ever-expanding love is riskier than losing again.

Shame grows on the things we keep in the dark but when we speak and bring things into the light it allows us to be held with love and compassion. That is how we soften judgment and allow intimacy in again.

Diving deep is valuable. Anyone who says they are too damaged but is actively working on themselves isn’t damaged. We are only “damaged” if we go into victim and never do anything to pull ourselves out. The only way to get protective parts to shift is to let them know that you are going to work with them to protect yourself in a different way.

Consider/Ask Yourself:

Have you had a loss in your life and you are hesitant to give something another try because you are afraid of another loss?
Do you judge yourself for having baggage, especially if you are single, and feel no one will want you?
Are you scared of losing a person, a dream, or does the fear of loss prevent you from going after your dreams?
Is there a judgment you hold against yourself that is blocking you that you haven’t forgiven yourself for?

Christine’s Question:

Christine would like to start dating and would like guidance on how to move past the resistance she feels towards it.

Christine’s Key Insights and Ahas:

Her husband died seven years ago. He was her only significant romantic relationship.
She is ready to start dating again but finds excuses why not to.
She feels stuck.
She doesn’t think someone will want her because of her baggage.
She is still grieving her husband.
She judges herself for things out of her control.
She has been through a lot at a young age.
Her desire to protect herself from loss is stronger than her desire to let someone new in.
She feels paralyzed by grief and fear.
She is actively working on opening up and loving again.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

Get clear about her willingness to take a risk on love.
Forgive herself for her self-judgments.
Honor her past relationship in a way that doesn’t include blame or shame.
Acknowledge her fear, thank it for protecting her, and tell it she will be protecting herself in a different way.
Create a bigger fear.

Resources:

Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community

Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner

Assist@ChristineHassler.com — Males who want to be on the show

Jill@ChristineHassler.com — For information on any of my services

Get on the list to be notified about the upcoming certification program for coaches.

Download this Episode

CC: Why you still feel stuck even though you've "done the work" with Bec Tait 0

Mar 5, 2022

My dear friend, Rebecca Tait, joins me for the second time on the show. Last year she gave us incredible insight about what was ahead for us in 2022. This year she drops some big time wisdom on why we may feel stuck or like things aren't changing even though we are doing the healing "work."

Bec is an intuitive coach who provides guidance to people who feel stuck or uncertain in various aspects of their life.

Learn more here: https://www.justaskbec.com/

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EP 338: How to Increase Your Self-worth with Samantha 0

Mar 2, 2022

This episode is about how to heal self-worth issues. Today’s caller, Samantha, was dismissed by her father and never feels worthy of anything in her life. She asks for guidance on how to heal, and to connect more deeply with her children. We discuss how she can release her self-judgment, replace it with compassion, and make it an opportunity to heal her inner child.

[For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode338]

For the most part, anything that happens before the age of 12, makes us into the adults we are. If we don’t feel wanted by our parents, the people who are supposed to want us and love us, it creates a big core wound. When we have low self-worth we think we are a burden and we deprive people in our lives of showing up and giving to us.

If we commit to personal development, we have to let go of self-judgment. We will not transform and heal if we judge ourselves. Love and judgment can not be in the same place. We can love the part of ourselves that judges us because we know it is just trying to protect us, but if we are frustrated with ourselves, transformation won’t happen.

When judgment and frustration come up, know that it is our inner child calling out to us to meet their needs.

Enrollment for the 2022 Elementum Coaching Institute closes on March 2, 2022. It is a nine-month comprehensive coaching certification program. It is a mix of learning the best coaching tools and skills but also doing your own inner work.

Consider/Ask Yourself:

Do you struggle with self-worth?
Did you have a dismissive parent and felt you were in their way?
Do you have a lot of awareness but things are not changing?
As a parent, do you have trouble connecting to your children or your inner child?

Samantha’s Question:

Samantha has a core wound of not feeling worthy. She would like guidance on how to shift it and connect more intimately with her children.

Samantha’s Key Insights and Ahas:

She received answers from the people closest to her she didn’t expect to hear.
She has never felt worthy of anything.
She has done personal development work from a young age.
Her father was angry and dismissed her.
She wants to be unapologetically herself.
She is frustrated to have awareness but is unable to shift.
She judges herself for how she feels.
She feels like a robot and sensitive, yet she compartmentalizes her feelings.
She feels she puts a target on her back for someone to attack her negatively.
She suppresses her feelings.
She is being her dad to herself.
She finds it hard to connect with her daughter.
She didn’t feel protected by her mother.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

Replace her judgment and frustration with compassion.
Connect with her inner child and ask her what she needs.
Make a self-honoring choice to not see her father anymore.
Use her judgments as opportunities to parent her inner child.

Takeaways:

The last live inner child workshop is an evergreen program. Go to ChristineHassler.com/innerchild to get the entire workshop. It is just like attending the live event and you can go through it at your own pace.
If you have a self-worth issue, ask people for what you need and let them show up for you.

Resources:

Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community

Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner

Assist@ChristineHassler.com — Males who want to be on the show

Jill@ChristineHassler.com — For information on any of my services