People pleasing will not get you the kind of love you long for. Why? Well, when you are putting other people’s needs before your own, you are not being honest. You are not showing up authentically. People pleasing can range in severity from caring about what people think to being a doormat. In my view, no degree of people pleasing is a good thing and being a complete doormat is dangerous. Think of a doormat after being used over and over. This is what happens to your spirit and your spark if you allow people to walk all over you. Your light starts to dim. You start to fade and you start to wear down.
The Importance of Connection When Going Through a Loss
We are not meant to grieve alone. One of the most healthy aspects of grieving is having support. You may find it hard to ask for help but you are giving another person a gift when you are vulnerable with them. Do not suffer in silence and solitude. The things that help the most are often the hardest to do. During difficult times, we need to do the hard things to get to the healing place we long for. Today’s caller Shaun called in for some guidance while going through his divorce. He may be putting himself last and has a habit of people pleasing which is making his divorce harder. Don’t lose sight of yourself during a loss. I encourage you to be honest with yourself about your people pleasing patterns. Coaches take note - I try to stay as clear and neutral as I possibly can, but during some calls, like this one, I slip from empathy to sympathy. I found myself being protective of Shaun and judgmental of the situation. I then moved back to neutrality which allowed me to guide Shaun appropriately.
● Are you going through a loss right now and feel disconnected?
● Do you relate to being a people pleaser or a doormat?
● Are you concerned about what people think of you and often put others’ needs and opinions in front of your own?
● Is there someone in your life you need to draw some boundaries with?
● Do you have a solid support system of people or just one person you can turn to who will listen when you are going through something challenging?
Shaun’s Question: Shaun would like to know how to get un-stuck after being blindsided by a breakup from a 15-year marriage. He wants advice on how to move past the situation.
Shaun’s Key Insights and Aha’s:
● He has a pattern of taking care of others at his own expense.
● He may be losing his identity.
● He doesn’t have a social circle for support.
● He should reach out to new people and ask for help.
How to get over it and on with it:
● He should step into his power and his strength and put himself first.
● He should meet new people and join new groups.
● He has the opportunity to gain healthy friendships.
Tools and Takeaways:
● Be honest and look at the ways your people pleasing could be depleting you, blocking intimacy and potentially building resentment.
● Listen to this week’s Coaches Corner for additional tips.
● Reach out to people, ask for support or just ask them to listen.
● Write down one thing which will help you the most but may be hard for you to do.