This call is about overcoming a desire for control to feel safe. Today’s caller, Jasmine, is wondering why she has a strange relationship with her boyfriend and her sister and why she sabotages her work experience. What it comes down to is an issue with control and fear of intimacy created to protect herself due to her early experiences with an emotionally unavailable parent.
[For show notes go here: Christinehassler.com/episode246]
During a time when we feel out of control or too controlled we develop a compensatory strategy of ‘I have to be in control of everything to protect myself to avoid intimacy.’
Attachment styles are developed based on our early experiences in relationships. In the avoidant attachment style, we avoid or fear emotional intimacy because usually had a parent who was aloof, emotionally removed, unaffectionate, rejecting, or not attuned to our childhood emotional needs.
Maybe the parent provided food and shelter but children need affection and nurturing as well. When a child doesn’t have emotional availability or affection they can develop an avoidant attachment style. In adulthood, this can show up as being extremely independent and self-directed, controlling, and often uncomfortable with intimacy.
Those with an avoidant attachment style often get the rap of being commitment-phobes but it’s more that they have difficulty with commitment. They either rationalize themselves out of deep intimacy or they have certain complaints when in a relationship.
Grounding ourselves in the present moment and breathwork are great for people who have an avoidant attachment style.
Take a deep dive into how to understand your attachment style and heal your inner child in our three-day virtual Inner Child Workshop on June 5th–7th. Stefanos and I will hold space for both the healthy masculine and feminine. If you can’t join us live, it will be recorded. ChristineHassler.com/Innerchild. Email Jill@ChristineHassler.com to discuss what may be blocking you from joining in.
To learn more about compensatory strategies get a free download from my book, Expectation Hangover at ChristineHassler.com/CS.
Consider/Ask Yourself:
Jasmine’s Question:
Jasmine has a difficult time connecting in her relationships and pulls away before she gets what she wants.
Jasmine’s Key Insights and Ahas:
How to Get Over It and On With It:
Takeaways:
Resources:
Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community
Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner
Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler
@ChristineHassler on Instagram
Assist@ChristineHassler.com
Jill@ChristineHassler.com — For information on any of my services.
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