This call is about developing authentic relationships by being authentic. Today’s caller, Kylie, is individuating and is trying to figure out how to have a grown-up relationship with her mother. This call is useful for those of you who are wondering how to have an adult relationship with your parents and break free of the patterns that were set up in childhood.
[For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode268]
When we become an adult, we start to step into sovereignty. Our parents, or caregivers, raised us and they were our authority figure. We were dependent on them. As children, we couldn’t care for ourselves and were not supposed to. We were subjected to whatever patterns our parents imprinted upon us. Since as children we are sponges, we absorbed many of the way they did things, the way they feel their emotions, and the way they relate. We learned as children to adapt to those behaviors and be whoever we think we need to be, to be safe, to be loved, and protected.
Then, as adults, as we step into sovereignty and we are not dependent on our parents, and we are dependent on ourselves, we have to consider the relational dynamic that was set up when we were dependent and had no sovereignty, no power.
The patterns that were set up your parental dynamic, either with one or both of your parents when they were set up, you had no choice in the matter. Today, you do. Do you still want to keep playing out the patterns that were imposed and imprinted on you as a child, now that you are an adult? Or, do you want to individuate and have a healthy adult relationship with your parents?
If so, it may involve upsetting them. The other person being upset is often a side effect of setting boundaries. You cannot wait until you are sure the other person will not be upset to do it.
To create a vision for a relationship that requires another person who is not doing their work can leave you with a massive expectation hangover. I have a guided talk in the Calm app.
Kylie wants guidance on how to develop a more authentic relationship with her mother.
Kylie’s Key Insights and Ahas:
How to Get Over It and On With It:
Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community
Jill@ChristineHassler.com — For information on any of my services.