EP 333: Why it is Dangerous to Brush Anything Under the Rug in Your Relationships with Angela

This episode is about the dangers of sweeping things under the rug in relationships. Today’s caller, Angela, is looking for clarity about why she is frustrated and triggered in her family relationships. We discuss ways she can speak her truth with love, use her voice, and stand in her power in her relationships and her life. She brushes things under the rug. If you identify with being a people pleaser, someone who prefers to avoid conflict, or shrug things off when they happen but internalize it later this is a great session for you.

 

[For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode333]

 

When we don’t stand in our power in our lives, we can’t stand in our power in relationships. Standing in our power can also be said as standing in our empowerment. Sometimes the word power can sound oppressive as if we are not being compassionate, or being selfish. But that is not really what standing in our empowerment means. It’s about being in our truth.

 

If your truth upsets someone, it is not your responsibility as long as you are not blaming them and are taking responsibility for your part, and communicating your thoughts in the most loving way you possibly can. Sometimes speaking our truth can hurt others but if it is done with honesty and love it can lead to growth or growth of a relationship. There is a way to deliver truth and love together. If you are delivering something that may be hard for someone to hear, do it with love.

 

Standing in our empowerment also means not time traveling and being able to regulate our nervous system. There were times as children when we were disempowered or when we didn’t have a voice that led to a pattern of disempowerment in our adulthood. When we are in our power, we are in the present, we are taking care of our inner child. Our nervous system isn’t activated. We aren’t in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

 

And, for HSPs or internalizers, big feelings and big reactivity can be scary. When big feelings come at us, they rattle our nervous system. HSPs often have intuitive gifts growing up but internalizing stuff and repressing relationship issues as adults can suppress intuitive gifts. The nervous system doesn’t feel safe. We can’t choose what we want to suppress and expect our intuitive gifts to open up and be expressed.

 

When you suppress anything you suppress everything.

 

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

• Are you consistently triggered in your relationships and wonder why you are having the same argument over and over?
• Did you grow up in a home where your needs were not met? Maybe you couldn’t speak up for yourself or didn’t feel empowered.
• Are you someone who is great at confrontation or do you avoid conflict?
• When you are in a situation of reactivity or frustration comes at you, do you fight, flight, freeze, or fawn or do you respond in a regulated way?

 

Angela’s Question:

Angela is triggered by situations in her family and struggling in her relationships. She would like guidance on how to build harmony in her home.

 

Angela’s Key Insights and Ahas:

• She is in a 10-year relationship with her partner.
• She has a blended family.
• She is doing personal development work around what in her past may be triggering her.
• She wants to build harmony in her home.
• She was invalidated when she was younger.
• She had to care for her younger brother when her step-father passed.
• She gets triggered quickly.
• Her family has had to leave three different houses.
• Her partner is quick to anger.
• She believes a lot of the issues are about power dynamics.
• She believes men can’t handle their anger.
• There is a power struggle in her relationship.

 

How to Get Over It and On With It:

• To stand in her healthy feminine and learn how to not personalize what confronts her.
• Don’t time travel, stay in her adult self, and stay calm while her partner is reacting or explosive.
• Allow little Angela to stand up for herself and have a voice.
• Tell her partner how his actions affect her and maybe listen to this episode together.
• Bring things out into the open. No more sweeping stuff under the rug.

 

Takeaways:

• Get out of the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Don’t time travel in highly reactive situations so you can respond as an adult and be in your power.
• Try to have a conversation with your partner in a calm place to remind them that you agreed not to talk to each other in that way.

 

Resources:

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