This coaching call is about honoring yourself and another person by completing an unhealthy dynamic. Jade & Matthew both join this couple’s session to ask Christine for guidance about where to go in their current relationship. If you are going through a relationship breakup or if it is time to end a relationship, this episode is valuable especially if there is wounding playing out in your relationship.
[For show notes go here: Christinehassler.com/episode411].
One of the ways that we suffer most in relationship is thinking that our love will change someone. But, the opportunity to truly heal and step into their greatest potential is up to that person.
Oftentimes, coming together in relationship does help someone step into their fullest potential, but there’s a caveat: they have to do it. They have to want it and it has to happen quickly. If you’re in a relationship where it has been years of the other person going back to their old patterns, then you are in the cycle of them apologizing and feeling awful and you taking them back thinking things will be different. They are going to do their work and then something else happens but you see their little boy or little girl, and you love them, and this time was different and they’re really doing the work, and they’re seeing the counselor, but then they do it again. It’s just a loop. I encourage you to choose you, to love you. They need to do their healing on their own.
Making the choice to end, or complete, an unhealthy dynamic to heal individually is a gift we give to the other person. When we trust love and truth it always gets us to where we want to go.
Consider/Ask Yourself:
Are you an enabler or are you addicted to someone else enabling you?
Do you tend to be a little codependent or a lot codependent in relationships?
Do you know that you love someone so much but no matter how much you love them it’s up to them to change?
Are you feeling that it is time for a conscious uncoupling in your relationship?
Jade & Matthew’s Question:
Jade & Matthew ask for guidance about how best to heal themselves.
Jade & Matthew’s Key Insights and Ahas:
Matthew feels relieved.
They separated after he returned from his travels.
Matthew shared his shadows with Jade.
Matthew became aware that he seeks validation from other women.
Matthew will do inner child work via therapy.
Jade believes it is best for them to not have contact while they are healing.
Jade needs to see Matthew needs to love himself.
Matthew wants Jade to be in his life because he feels a soul-level connection to her.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
Have no contact with each other for one year so they can heal themselves.
Use the sentence starters Christine gave them to journal about their feelings.
Jade needs time alone and for Matthew to respect that.
Take the opportunity to learn what healthy, mature love is.
Sponsor:
Sensate — is an infrared resonance, calming device that when synchronized with sessions in the companion app works towards reducing stress, and improving well-being. It provides deep relaxation in 10‒30 minute sessions to tone the vagus nerve. For $30 off your purchase, go to GetSensate.com and use the promo code OVERIT.
Resources:
Christine Hassler — Take a Coaching Assessment
Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner
Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler
@ChristineHassler on Instagram
@SacredUnionCouples on Instagram
Jill@ChristineHassler.com — For information on any of my services
Get on the Waitlist to be coached on the show.
Get on the list to be notified about the upcoming certification program for coaches.
I'm answering another question from a listener this week! She asked me to expand upon a phrase I've used in the show: leaky sexual energy. In this episode I'll describe what leaky sexual energy is, where it comes from, how to recognize it, how it impacts
This coaching call is about when our childhood wounding is triggered by a child. Lorena feels she has a parenting blind spot when it comes to her relationship with one of her stepchildren. She would like guidance on how to be a better stepmom and how to respond rather than react when she is triggered.
[For show notes go here: Christinehassler.com/episode410]
There are different blessings that go along with being a stepparent. But, in general, parenting can be hard. You can love a child so much but still get frustrated and triggered and then feel guilty about it. Understanding that we are human and we get triggered goes a long way.
Parenting is a spiritual practice. For these little beings that choose us, either as parents or step-parents, we have a soul contract. And, relationships and parenting are some of the biggest ways we evolve as humans.
With that said, we tend to reject people and behavior that reminds us of our wounded parts. We can have an ick factor towards it or them because we carry internal judgment and have self-protection mechanisms in place. It is much easier to love someone who doesn’t share the same wounding.
When we are triggered, pausing and taking the time to regulate our nervous system allows us to be in the moment and respond to children, not from the viewpoint of our inner child, but as the adults we’ve become.
Consider/Ask Yourself:
Did you ever feel rejected or neglected as a child? Did you want more nurturing and love?
Do you have a child or a stepchild that you just don’t connect to and it bothers you, and you feel guilty because you don’t like being around that child as much as you do your other children?
Are you committed to being a better parent both to yourself and your inner child and your child or children?
Lorena’s Question:
Lorena feels she has a blind spot in her relationship with her stepchild and is asking for guidance about building a better relationship.
Lorena’s Key Insights and Ahas:
She has been a stepmother since 2016.
Her stepchild struggles with emotional regulation.
She has a baby and two stepchildren.
There may not have been an original mother/child bond in her stepchild’s life.
She doesn’t want to be around her stepchild.
She feels invaded and resents the extra effort it takes to nurture her stepchild.
Her father was an alcoholic and made inappropriate requests of her.
Her stepchildren are there 50% of the time.
Her husband looks to her to be a mature stepparent.
She beats herself up for her feelings toward her stepchild.
She didn’t get loving attention from her mother.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
Tell her inner child that her father’s care wasn’t her responsibility.
Accept that her stepchild is a trigger for her.
Try seeing herself in her stepchild.
Pause, take a deep breath, and say — I love you, and I got you — when triggered to regulate her nervous system.
Do not underestimate what a nine-year-old can talk about.
Get in alignment with her husband about her stepparenting.
Sponsor:
Sensate — is an infrared resonance device that when synchronized with sessions in the companion app works towards reducing stress, and improving well-being. It provides deep relaxation in 10‒30 minute sessions to tone the vagus nerve. For $30 off your purchase, go to GetSensate.com and use the promo code OVERIT.
Resources:
Christine Hassler — Take a Coaching Assessment
Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner
Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler
@ChristineHassler on Instagram
@SacredUnionCouples on Instagram
Jill@ChristineHassler.com — For information on any of my services
Get on the Waitlist to be coached on the show.
Get on the list to be notified about the upcoming certification program for coaches.
This call is about deciding whether or not to rekindle a relationship after experiencing infidelity or betrayal. Today’s call was originally intended to be a couples session with Jade and Matthew. But, Jade has decided to exclude Matthew from the call. She describes why she made the decision. Some people can work through infidelity and have it strengthen their relationship. Other people need a clean break.
[For show notes go here: Christinehassler.com/episode409]
What can happen when we are working through trust issues and articulating our needs is that when we get to a point where we are triggered, we throw up a barrier rather than a boundary. When we are a person who hasn’t been great at boundaries in life, what can happen when we’re pushed to an edge is we can just throw up a wall.
Anytime we cheat, there’s a part of us that’s scared of intimacy with the person that we’re with. There are a lot of other reasons but it’s like we’re afraid to go deep with the person we’re with. There can be a pattern of not being able to be fully intimate and fully vulnerable in relationships.
Most things that happen to us that aren’t necessarily what we want to happen are on some level due to our soul calling in a situation to help us heal something that isn’t optimal inside of us.
Consider/Ask Yourself:
Do you often not hold boundaries to the extent of when you’re pushed to an edge a wall and barrier comes up?
Have you tried to forgive someone and tried to heal through relationships but you just keep getting hurt?
Do you have a hard time trusting?
Do you beat yourself up when you’ve been hurt because you think you should have seen it coming?
Jade’s Key Insights and Ahas:
She found it difficult to trust Matthew as he traveled.
She felt like he was hiding information from her.
She has decided that she can’t be in the relationship any longer.
She felt energetically that things were off.
She wants a healthy relationship in the future.
She has questioned her truth when it comes to Matthew.
She needs transparency in her relationships.
She has a pattern of not being fully vulnerable and intimate in relationships.
She thought she would feel enough if someone changed for her.
She felt this relationship will help her heal from her previous relationship.
She wishes her mom was emotionally supportive and less reactive.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
Examine her trust issues and why she continues to be in relationships with people she doesn’t trust.
Forgive Matthew without continuing the relationship with him.
Create emotional safety for herself.
Don’t waste her time thinking she “should” have known sooner.
Trust herself and give herself time to grieve without beating herself up.
Get clear about her boundaries in a relationship and write them out.
Sponsor:
Caraway Cookware — Caraway products are toxicity-free, beautiful, easy to clean and use. The cookware and bakeware sets have a naturally slick ceramic surface. Go to CarawayHome.com/Overit to take advantage of the limited-time offer of 10% off on their full suite of products by using the promo code OVERIT at checkout.
Resources:
Christine Hassler — Take a Coaching Assessment
Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner
Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler
@ChristineHassler on Instagram
@SacredUnionCouples on Instagram
Jill@ChristineHassler.com — For information on any of my services
Get on the Waitlist to be coached on the show.
Get on the list to be notified about the upcoming certification program for coaches.
Anger. We all feel it at some point or another. It's a natural human emotion and expression. However the way we deal with our anger often is very unnatural. We suppress it, numb it, try to escape it or let it consume us so much so that it can make us sick and/or ruin our relationships. In this episode I talk about how to release anger in a healthy way and walk you through the process of writing an f*** you letter.
This call is about deciding whether or not to rekindle a relationship after experiencing infidelity or betrayal. Today’s caller, Matthew, has childhood trauma that is affecting his adult behaviors. He wants to continue his relationship with Jade but struggles with self-worth and trust. This is the second of three conversations. In next week’s call, Christine speaks with Matthew and Jade during the couple’s session. Listen to Part One with Jade.
[For show notes go here: Christinehassler.com/episode408]
Most of the time people don’t act out intentionally to hurt other people, they’re acting out because they’re asking for help, even if it doesn’t seem like it. When we have chronic trauma it is very hard for us to be aware of how it is affecting our behavior.
When we look at behavior, especially something like unfaithfulness or cheating, if we just look at the behavior we can get angry. Angry at ourselves and angry at the person. We may call it unforgivable, and maybe it is. But when we look at what is underneath the behavior, what’s really driving the behavior, it can give us a different perspective and move us into compassion and ultimately forgiveness.
Compassion and forgiveness offer hope that a relationship can be healed.
My upcoming Signature Retreat is for women who are ready to let go of their limiting beliefs. For a nurturing self-care experience join like-minded women from October 13‒15 in San Diego, CA. To apply go to ChristineHassler.com/signatureretreat. Apply by July 10th to get the early bird discount.
Consider/Ask Yourself:
Do you struggle with self-worth issues?
Have you ever been unfaithful or have you been in a relationship where someone has betrayed you, lied to you, or been unfaithful to you?
Did you grow up in a home where there was abuse and chaos and you never really felt worthy or loved or safe?
Are you on a personal discovery journey and you’re clear that you’re changing things but the people around you may not believe you and that can be frustrating?
Matthew’s Question:
Matthew struggles with self-worth and trust issues. He would like guidance on how to find internal validation and create a safe space for Jade.
Matthew’s Key Insights and Ahas:
He lied, manipulated, and cheated during the relationship but, that’s not who he wants to be.
He feels Jade is having trouble trusting him again.
He has trouble trusting Jade.
He wants to heal his past traumas.
He wants to feel loved, cared for, trusted, and secure in his relationship.
He feels his needs can be met.
He is on a self-discovery journey.
He has always felt he was insignificant and had to fight for love.
He has witnessed infidelity and abuse in his life.
He is working on forgiving himself.
He seeks external validation, mostly from women.
He is seeking out ways to bring joy into his life.
He is becoming aware of the energy he shares with women.
He has an anxious attachment style in his relationships.
He is in awe of who Jade is and sees potential in their relationship.
He loves Jade but he feels he is under attack.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
Find ways to feel expressed, worthy, and validated.
Discover what being a man means to him.
Talk to an outside resource about his childhood wounding.
Breathe deeply to calm himself when he feels defensive.
Have compassion for himself and the things he feels shame about.
Assignment:
Write out the agreements he needs to make in the new version of this relationship.
Write down the needs he would like to have met in a relationship.
Resources:
Christine Hassler — Take a Coaching Assessment
Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner
Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler
@ChristineHassler on Instagram
@SacredUnionCouples on Instagram
Jill@ChristineHassler.com — For information on any of my services
Get on the Waitlist to be coached on the show.
Get on the list to be notified about the upcoming certification program for coaches.
Dr. Will Cole, health advisor to Gwyneth Paltrow, top functional medicine practitioner, and New York Times bestselling author has dedicated his career to teaching people to apply skepticism to nutritional trends and instead, pay closer attention to their own intuition.
His new book, GUT FEELINGS, demystifies the gut-brain connection and provides a framework to repair the relationship between what you eat and how you feel.
After over a decade as a functional medicine expert, Dr. Cole discerned that shame can cause gut inflammation and sabotage wellness through what he’s named “Shameflammation.” When you send signals to your brain that you are overwhelmed, overworked, or overtired, your body reacts. Shameflammation can be the cause of chronic health conditions such as autoimmune disorders, depression, IBS, and more.