This episode is about how to stop parenting your parents. If you are a parent it is a great listen to make sure you are not falling into codependent patterns with your child. Today’s caller, Gina, is a people pleaser who is at the beginning of her journey of connecting all the dots. She is searching for guidance on how to become her own person, free of the guilt she imparts on herself about what she should or should not be doing for her mother. We discuss how she can free herself and how it has been impacting her relationships.
[For show notes go here: Christinehassler.com/episode179]
Growing up in a codependent household is when you are the caretaker and you are not getting the love and attention you need from a parent. When you step into a parent role and you are the child, it’s very common to develop the compensatory strategy of a people pleaser. Why? Because you decided at a young age it was your job to keep your parent happy or to keep them from yelling at you. You grew very strong at making sure someone else was okay before you.
The way out of people pleasing is learning about codependency, setting boundaries, and getting professional help. There is a lot that goes into being a people pleaser and sometimes you need someone by your side helping you by telling you, “You are not being selfish. You are being self-honoring.”
Any personal development work or therapy should be used to get an understanding, not an excuse. It is important to understand the impact of our parent’s influence so we can shift it, not so we can use our past as a scapegoat. We want to liberate ourselves from anything in our past that is limiting us from living the life we truly love. Everything is healable.
Your past does not have to determine your present or future. You don’t have to repeat patterns!
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● How are you at acknowledging yourself? Are you a people pleaser and are able to acknowledge others but when it comes to yourself, you’re not so great?
● Do you have a parent or someone in your life you feel responsible for? Do you put your happiness on the backburner to theirs?
● Do you try to set boundaries with difficult people in your life but then feel guilty and get hooked back in?
● Are your co-dependent relationships with a parent or someone else preventing you from having a healthy, loving relationship of your own?
Gina lived most of her life based on her mother’s needs. She would like tools to help her heal and guidance on how to move forward in her life.
Gina’s Key Insights and Ahas:
● Her mother is an alcoholic.
● She has had to take care of her mother her entire life.
● She struggles with depression.
● She has an eating disorder.
● She hasn’t been able to have healthy relationships.
● She is in therapy.
● She’s not sure how to express her needs.
● She is attracting a certain type of men.
● She is in a codependent relationship with her mother.
● She doesn’t know how to deal with her feelings.
● She doesn’t want to be in an unhealthy relationship.
● She would like to inspire other people.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
● She needs to acknowledge the progress she has made.
● She needs to put some distance between her and her mother.
● She shouldn’t feel guilty for putting herself first.
● She should be a mother to herself.
● She needs to reframe her life to make it into what she wants.
● She needs to write her mother a letter she doesn’t intend to send.
● Write a letter to your parent you don’t intend to send emancipating yourself.
● Search for codependency books and read the ones that call out to you.
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