This episode is the second of a three-part couples coaching series. Christine coaches Claire and Jimmy separately, and then together in Part 3. In today’s call, with Jimmy, she explores the things from his childhood that may make commitment a bit hard for him.
[For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode375]
It is okay if we have conflict. It is okay if plans need to be rearranged. It is okay if you unintentionally disappoint someone. There is a difference between promising someone you will be somewhere and not showing up versus having to renegotiate an agreement.
It is reframing conflict into clarification. Because not every situation, conversation, or engagement with someone that we think is going to be stressful is. If we go in thinking something is going to be confrontational, that the other person is going to be upset, or that it is not going to go well, we limit the possibilities. But if we go in seeking clarification, or as a renegotiation of a commitment, then it becomes an entirely different conversation.
When we find a safe space on our own, we don’t necessarily default to an avoidant attachment style, although it can happen. What we default to is that it is safer on our own. Intimacy or really committing to making plans is challenging. If we add in that we don’t want to disappoint anyone as a sort of reason or even a subconscious excuse not to make plans, not to get closer, then we have a great wall of protection built around us. It can prevent us from going to deeper levels of intimacy with others.
Jimmy wonders if there isn’t more at play when he and Claire struggle with planning things together.
Jimmy’s Key Insights and Ahas:
How to Get Over It and On With It:
Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community
Assist@ChristineHassler.com — Males who want to be on the show
Jill@ChristineHassler.com — For information on any of my services